Well, I suppose growing up around Charlie Sheen was bound to have certain side effects.
Okay, so if you’re unfamiliar, here’s the video that has the whole Internet abuzz:
I don’t think there’s anything less appealing than self-righteous, condescending children spewing their views as if they know more than everyone around them, and this definitely qualifies as just that. Now, that’s just the clip that TMZ leaked, but there’s actually a half hour version as well, the first 45 seconds of which shows all these happy images of him with his co-stars, cut with black and white video of him looking sad and reflective.
Let’s just focus on the short clip though, because you know I’ve got some shit to say about it!
– ‘Jake from Two and a Half Men is a non-existant character.’
Aside from the fact that this statement is pretty redundant, it’s also so very condescending to the viewers of Two and a Half Men. Now, you guys know I work retail selling DVDs to the masses, so I can tell you that there are some very, very stupid people who watch television. But even for the lowest of low intellects, I don’t think any of them believe that Jake from Two and a Half Men is an actual real person, because you’d have to be legit batshit to think that was the case. Like, Brooke Sheilds’ character in Friends that one time batshit.
The way he’s laughing to himself and covering his eyes like ‘ohhhh, these silly, silly masses, they don’t understand that I’m not my character,’ makes me want to Oliver Martinez the shit out of his face.
– ‘Please stop watching Two and a Half Men. I’m on Two and a Half Men and I don’t want to be on Two and a Half Men.’
This is the part where I go ‘Is this dude Joaquin Phoenix-ing me, because he just plugged his show three times in one sentence.’
Rainn Wilson agrees with me. Look, him and Craig Robinson got the first parody out on the net for us:
– ‘Please stop watching it. Please stop filling. Your head. With filth. Please.’
There’s a point here where I thought ‘I wonder who the other guy is, what’s his deal? because it seriously looks like he’s just realised that this kid is committing career suicide, and if he does that, then he’ll have to find someone else to continue funding his cult. But Angus T Jones is no Tom Cruise and this guy is no… Scientology leader who’s banging Tom Cruise behind closed doors.
Oh, and if you’re wondering what that guy’s deal is, he’s the leader of Forerunner, which is a cult, basically. You can click here to watch TMZ dissect some of his Forerunner videos, where he talks about how there will be a food shortage in New York City soon, and then
‘all of a sudden your baby will start looking like a chicken wing.’
TMZ also mentions that Angus found this guy while in a downward spiral which included a bunch of acid trips, but surely you’d think once you came out of that you’d be like ‘oh, wait, this is actually really insane and I don’t know what I was thinking.’
– ‘*condescending laughter* Do some research on the effects of television on your brain.’
You are all idiots, you wish you were as enlightened as I am. Um, no. Maybe let’s do some research on the effects of acid trips and cults on your brain, instead.
– ‘That’s coming from… I mean, I don’t know if it means any more, coming from me.’
(But it does, and you’d be a fool not to listen to me.) This is really interesting because he almost says ‘and that’s coming from me,’ which is so telling about how he perceives his influence to be over the stupid people who watch television and pay attention to celebrities.
After this he basically spends the rest of the video talking about how Two and a Half Men is the work of the devil and how if he’s contributing to satan’s plan, or if he’s doing more harm than good, that he would rather just die. Now, that’s interesting, particularly in light of his press statement today:
I have been the subject of much discussion, speculation and commentary over the past 24 hours.
While I cannot address everything that has been said or right every misstatement or misunderstanding, there is one thing I want to make clear. Without qualification, I am grateful to and have the highest regard and respect for all of the wonderful people on Two and Half Men with whom I have worked and over the past ten years who have become an extension of my family.
Chuck Lorre, Peter Roth and many others at Warner Bros. and CBS are responsible for what has been one of the most significant experiences in my life to date. I thank them for the opportunity they have given and continue to give me and the help and guidance I have and expect to continue to receive from them.
I also want all of the crew and cast on our show to know how much I personally care for them and appreciate their support, guidance and love over the years. I grew up around them and know that the time they spent with me was in many instances more than with their own families. I learned life lessons from so many of them and will never forget how much positive impact they have had on my life.
I apologize if my remarks reflect me showing indifference to and disrespect of my colleagues and a lack of appreciation of the extraordinary opportunity of which I have been blessed. I never intended that.
In other words, ‘I know Two and a Half Men is the work of the devil, but I’m really enjoying that 350,000 a week pay check and would really like to stay working on this devil show.’
Now, you know Charlie Sheen had something to say about all this, and frankly, I’m surprised he waited, what, 24 whole hours before telling People magazine:
With Angus’ Hale-Bopp-like meltdown, it is radically clear to me that the show is cursed.
… Obviously. It couldn’t possibly be that you’re both horrendously overpaid and just decided to piss it all away on booze and drugs, which rotted the part of your brain responsible for logical thinking. The ‘Hale-Bopp’ thing is
an obvious reference to the Heaven’s Gate religious cult … which committed mass suicide in 1997 because they believed death was the only way to gain access to an alien ship that was following the Hale-Bopp comet.
According to TMZ.
Of course, it wouldn’t be a Charlie Sheen rant without at least one jab at Chuck Lorre (the creator of Two and a Half Men), so of course he also said:
Obviously, not having been there for some time, the Angus T. Jones that I knew and still love is not the same guy I saw on YouTube yesterday.
I dare anyone to spend ten years in the laugh-track that is Chuck Lorre’s hive of oppression and not suffer some form of an emotional tsunami.
I’m not gonna lie, the ‘laugh track’ line actually made me laugh out loud.
I’m sure Angus’ apology statement isn’t the last we’ll hear about this, though, so stay tuned for more inevitable drama/parodies in the coming days.
The stories I don’t have time to tell you about myself: November 27, 2012.
The stories I don’t have time to tell you about myself: November 26, 2012.
PCP’s Favourite – Failed celebrity marriages, part two.