This is the part where I make some dumb joke connecting the song Rolling In the Deep to being elbow deep in dirty diapers, but honestly, this story is nothing compared to the Tom and Katie news, so I’m just going to phone this one in if that’s okay with you. It is? Oh, thanks guys! You’re so understanding.
So… yeah. Adele’s preggers. I don’t really have much to say about it, if I’m being honest. I don’t think it’s the best move, career wise, for Adele, given that her last album shot her to superstar status pretty much overnight and the whole damn world is now going to have to wait around for her next album, during which time any number of Adele-like singers could come out and steal the rug from under her, but hey. I’m not Adele, maybe she doesn’t even give a fuck about that. I’m sure she’s got enough money from 21 to never have to work again, so if this is what she wants to do then good on her.
I’m delighted to announced that Simon and I are expecting our first child together. I wanted you to hear the news direct from me, obviously we’re over the moon and very excited but please respect our privacy at this precious time.
Well, maybe we can expect an album full of songs about her baby, then. Hopefully it’ll be a little more Someday (I Will Understand) rather than My Baby. If you’re not a Britney fan and don’t get that, both songs are below:
Just when I’d written this off as a slow news week, it’s Katie Holmes to the rescue! She’s divorcing Tom Cruise, and I’m just about as happy as Tom Cruise was all those years ago on Oprah’s couch.
Why am I so happy about it, you ask? Well, mostly I think Tom’s a batshit insane closet case, but also because she hasn’t done anything decent the entire time she’s been married to him, and if the Tom and Nicole divorce is anything to go by, hopefully we’ll see her remembering that she can actually act when she wants to. Case in point, Pieces of April:
No more Jack & Jill! (Hopefully.)
Now, I guess I should probably put some details in here for y’all, so here we go. Katie’s attorney released this statement:
This is a personal and private matter for Katie and her family. Katie’s primary concern remains, as it always has been, her daughter’s best interest.
Tom’s rep released this statement:
Kate has filed for divorce and Tom is deeply saddened and is concentrating on his three children. Please allow them their privacy.
Katie’s looking for sole legal custody of Suri, as well as primary residential custody, division of property and a ‘suitable’ amount of child support.
So this is the fun bit, where we get to decide why they split up. Vote for as many of the options as you want.
I really hope this divorce gets ugly and we get to know all the details of Tom’s insanity behind closed doors, but somehow I doubt that it will happen. Either way, I’ll keep you all posted, though.
Well, I see LiLo’s up to her usual tricks, doing ‘controversial’ photoshoots with Terry Richardson at the Chateau Marmont to keep her name out there while she’s busy filming. That sounds really snarky, but really I love it. I love Lindsay’s photoshoots because I not-so-secretly think she’s a fierce bitch.
Anyway, this is just the latest Lindsay and Terry photoshoot, and honestly, it’s not my favourite because I think they fucked up her make-up. Or maybe that’s intentional. Either way, we’re going to get to my favourites in a second.
Welcome to PCP’s first video recap WITH SCREENCAPS. I’m so good to y’all, for real. I had to Google ‘how to screencap YouTube Videos’ because after having my Mac for over two years, apparently there are still things I’m not sure how to do. I’m going to need you to go ahead and ignore where you can see the little red loading bar at the bottom when you can see it there. First time, you know?
Anyway, let’s get to it! If you’d like, you can watch the video beforehand, (you should ‘coz Adam Levine and Minka Kelly are babes), but I mean, I SCREENCAPPED the shit out of it so you can get the gist either way.
So that shot up there is what we open on, and let me tell you, pay attention, because those goldfish will be important later on in the video.
We get a bunch of quick shots of happy snaps of Adam Levine, Minka Kelly, and what is presumably their child together. Minka Kelly is super pretty. I’m sure Adam Levine could give up Victoria’s Secret models if the other option was Minka Kelly.
I should probably be thinking about how cute that baby is, but really I’m just looking at Adam Levine and thinking about how I wouldn’t mind making a baby with him. Hey-o!
I think what we’re seeing is ‘domestic bliss.’ Adam’s tending to the baby while his super hot girlfriend makes him breakfast.
Ooh, a training montage. I don’t really get what’s happening, because in my mind this video was going to be all sexually charged like Love the Way You Lie, but less violent, and without Eminem hanging out in a field. I don’t really watch boxing movies, so I’m going to assume that this is referencing Rocky, or The Fighter, or Warrior, or that one that I can’t remember the name of but is basically Step Up but with punching.
Adam Levine can have a fierce boxing career AND maintain his home life while he trains for what I assume will be a big fight (because I feel like in all those films there’s ALWAYS a big fight coming up because what would the point be otherwise?). Or can he? Ooh, foreshadowing.
There’s this really gratuitous Minka Kelly ass shot that reminds me of Jessica Beil in Texas Chainsaw massacre, particularly because they’re basically wearing the same thing:
You guys should take a look at my search history sometime, because believe me when I say I Google some weird shit to find these pictures for y’all sometimes.
Ooh, mysterious. She looks like she’s up to something.
Don’t worry about why your girlfriend isn’t talking to you, she still made you breakfast, so y’all are cool. Back to training!
See? It’s a new day and shit’s cool again, maybe she was just on her period or something. Girls, right? Kind weird how they’re all wearing the same thing every day.
‘Laterz, babe. Off to kick some ass!’
Just a heads up, if you leave to go to work and your girlfriend looks like this, be prepared for a shit storm. That being said, I actually don’t understand what her deal is. Looks to me like he just has a job that he goes to everyday like the majority of us do, and she’s pitchin’ a bitch fit about it.
Uh-oh, have you been paying attention? These are the fish from the start! If we’re seeing them again their must be a reason. Let’s keep watching.
The BIG FIGHT is here! DING DING!
Adam’s in the ring, ready to kick some ass like the champion he is. (Look at his trophies up there in the fish shot! WINNER!)
Meanwhile, wait, what’s going on at home?! Is she packing? Are they going on a trip?
Uh oh, guys, I think things might be getting serious up in hurrrrrrrr.
There’s a fight montage going on while Minka’s packing all her shit up, but I like this screenshot better.
This is the part where he regroups because he’s losing. HE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH HE’S LOSING RIGHT NOW, OMG.
He gets back into the fight and WINS. WINNERRRRRRRRRRR!
The camera makes a big deal about her packing up these two books, and focuses on her packing her copy of Grimms’ Fairytales for what feels like a very long time. OMG THIS IS SO DEEP, their fairytale is OVUH.
‘Hey baby! I’m a champion!!’
‘Baby? Da fuck? Did we get robbed?’
‘What the fuck is going on?’
‘Oh, shit. Now I understand. You’ve left me and used our fish as symbolism instead of talking to me about it or even leaving a note when you moved my daughter out of our house. That’s totally normal.’
‘Fuck. I chose my career over my girlfriend’s happiness one too many times, and now I’m paying the price.’
‘This is definitely my fault and not the fault of my psychotic girlfriend.’
Okay. For real. This video is mental.
First up, the lyrics to this song are all about a couple who fight and make up constantly because they’re bad for each other but it’s all sexy and passionate, but they should break up because they’re bad for each other.
The video, on the other hand, is about Minka Kelly living some Kate Winslet in Revolutionary Road life of quiet desperation, supporting her boxer boyfriend, smiling, raising their child, cooking him meals, but really hating every second of it and plotting her escape.
If she doesn’t like what he does, fair enough, but there’s really no indicator of that in the video that I saw. Also, he’s a champion, the trophies say so. And since the trophies are from like 2006, and there’s no way that kid was born before 2006, maaaaaybe she should’ve thought twice before having his kid if she knew she didn’t like his career. Bitches be psycho, yo.
I don’t even.
Also, although you don’t see it in the video, I totally picture her grabbing her fish out of the bowl the way Chandler’s insane roommate Eddie does, because let’s be realistic, she’s just as fucking unhinged.
What a loser. I’m serious. This girl has had opportunities practically shoved down her throat since getting pregnant at such a young age; money, support, and chances to get help over and over again, and she just throws it all away every single time.
If what you’re thinking is ‘but Stephanie, LiLo does the same thing and you don’t get on her case about it,’ well, that’s fair enough, but Lindsay doesn’t have a kid. Jace will probably watch Teen Mom 2 one day and see his mother (who, by that stage, will probably be serving time because I don’t see her life turning around any time soon) being offered all kinds of options, and instead choosing to spend her time smoking pot when she’s on probation to do the opposite, and getting into ridiculous fights. Jenelle only thinks about herself, and because she’s a profoundly stupid girl, her kid is going to end up paying the price.
Anyway, enough ranting, let’s run through the situation real quick.
Basically, her and her boyfriend/ex/fiance Gary got into some fight, it got heated, and she called the cops. Eight bucks said she didn’t think they’d arrest her, too. See? Profoundly stupid.
As it happened, they both got arrested for simple assault, possession of marijuana, possession of drug paraphernalia, and possession of controlled substance. Gary was also arrested for assault on a female. Sounds like a great guy.
After they got bailed out, Gary tweeted that he was calling off the engagement (again) and said that Jenelle had ‘ruined his life.’ Betcha they’ll be back on tomorrow!
It’s time for another edition of PCP Poll, y’all! Today we’re looking at the babes from Gossip Girl, which, let’s be honest, is sometimes the best thing the show has going on these days. Let’s get right to it!
Welcome to PCP’s newest series, where we travel back in time (probably to the late 90’s-early 00’s) and relive some fantastic moments in pop culture history. I’m really excited about this, because this gives me an excuse to sit around and watch 90’s music videos. Not that you ever really need an excuse. Anyway, today we’re going to look at Danish pop sisters S.O.A.P’s smash hit This Is How We Party. Fun fact, they’re just called soap, it doesn’t stand for anything. They were going to hold a competition with their fans to come up with a meaning behind the acronym… but then they basically disappeared after Ladidi Ladida. Totes awkward.
Oh, if you’re unfamiliar with This Is How We Party, then you’re welcome, because I’ve just got you onto one of the greatest pop songs ever written, and good luck getting it out of your head. As an introduction, the girl on the left of the picture up there is Line Sørensen, and on the right is her older sister Heidi Sørensen. But what are we waiting for?! Are you excited, because I sure as fuck am.
Okay, let’s run through it play by play.
S.O.A.P tv. Fantastic. I guess that’s their version of Aquascope:
I really didn’t expect that to be as hard to find as it was, apparently an aquascope is a thing to look at the water. Fuck that.
Okay, can we just talk about that silver lipstick for a second? Ah, man, I wish I had a photo, but I totally had an opaque silver lipgloss when I was 11. It smelt like coconut and I thought I was the BOMB when I wore it. Yes, I wore it out. I alternated between that and this deep raspberry lipstick with legit CHUNKS of silver glitter in it that I paid maybe $3 for. I’m not talking any kind of glitter that looks like it belongs in make-up, though, I’m talking like, craft glitter. I was basically the coolest 11 year old, you guys. We’re not even fifteen seconds in, though. Let’s keep moving.
When my friend and I talked about which one we wanted to be, I picked Line and she picked Heidi. I totally made the wrong choice, didn’t I? Heidi’s way prettier. I don’t know what I was thinking.
OMG the decor. I actually want all of it, I’d have a 90’s room. Also, remember when sunflowers were huge and they were like, stuck on hats and shit all the time? Fucking Blossom hats.
Fierce crocheted cardi. You can’t get green cardigans this season, apparently.
Their boyfriend… well… what can you say? I know it’s the 90’s but it’s hard to take a man seriously in a leather vest doing ducklips. Also, shouldn’t they have separate love interests? Are they planning on sharing?
Definitely would’ve murdered someone to get one of those phones that Heidi has where the dial is on the bottom. I had a normal phone extension in my room and felt pretty cool about it, it had a dial instead of buttons (which wasn’t cool but it was a phone so I thought I was a fierce diva). One day I got bored and painted it with a bunch of different nail polishes. I also painted my alarm clock with nail polish. Both of them still worked, but they looked shitty.
I love everything that Heidi is wearing. Also, I want a pink fluffy bathrobe.
I wonder where they got that disco ball at such short notice. Bangin’ party, though. They must be popular. Also, this video kind of reminds me of Can’t Hardly Wait when I watch it and I don’t reaaaaaaally know why…
S.O.A.P cheerleaders. If I threw a party I would want there to be cheerleaders that spelt out my name. If you’re reading this and you want to throw me a surprise party, I want cheerleaders that spell out Stephanie. That would be the most amazing thing in the world.
Men in black! Galaxy defenders at their party!
The cool guy’s shown up and the fiercest moment of the video happens when he points at his lights and they turn off. Seriously amazing stuff. He’s like the Fonz.
The back of their house door is padded purple velvet. Pretty sure they live in a brothel.
Male model kind of looks like young Joey (from Friends, obviously).
Male model’s got some moooooooves, but the S.O.A.P cheer squad disapproves. Get. Him. OUT OF HERE! GET HIM OUT OF HERE!
Aw, the geeky guy’s got the mooooooooooves like Jagger.
Fierce glitter streamer background. They definitely don’t live in a normal house though, hey.
Shit’s getting ridiculous. Their parents left, they called their friends and were like ‘hey, we’re having a party, kinda last minute, it’s whateverrrrr,’ and now people are rocking up in all kinds of costumes. Just throwing it out there, next time you last minute invite me somewhere, I might rock up as a FUCKING STRAWBERRY. Just ‘coz. That idea makes me laugh so much that I would seriously consider it. I feel like if it’s not my party the host might feel like I’m trying to steal focus, though. I probably would be trying to steal focus, though, let’s be honest.
There’s not enough choreography in this video. It’s probably why S.O.A.P didn’t last that long. What a shame.
Absolutely going to pull out that mad arm-waving move around 2:55 next time I’m on a dancefloor, though. That’s going to look so sick set to Pitbull.
Their dad’s totally into it. He looks like the ‘yes, dear’ type. He just wants to cut loose. Footloose.
They totally leave their own party with that geek and leave a whole bunch of people in their house. Their parents don’t even try to stop them.
Let me fill in the blanks for you:
Those girls are mad sluts. Sisters banging the same guy at a house party? Leaving their own house party? Sluts. I’m tellin’ ya.
The only reason their dad didn’t stop them is because he’s doing shots and trying to fuck the S.O.A.P cheer squad, while his high strung wife lays unconscious on the floor. That’s totally sinister, but hey, I’m just piecing it together from the facts that I’ve been given.
And that concludes the first PCP Flashback! At this stage I’m going to be aiming to do these every second Tuesday, but I very much enjoyed writing this one, so they may come more frequently than that. Did you have as much fun as I did? What’s your favourite late 90’s-early 00’s pop song? Send me suggestions and you might see a recap in the future!
Justin Bieber’s really not the brightest guy in the whole world. Now, that’s not a criticism, but merely a statement of fact. You guys know that JB and I are cool because of my obsession with Boyfriend. Now, y’all remember that time when he didn’t know the word ‘German,’ right?
He tweeted after that he had misheard the word as ‘Jewman,’ and I almost would’ve bought it, except that the host showed him the card and pointed to the word, so either he’s dyslexic as well, or he really just had no idea what ‘German’ was. Either way it’s totally awkward to watch when he’s like ‘I don’t know, we don’t say that in America.’
Anyway, it’s happened again, except since it was on Letterman, he probably can’t say that he misheard the accent.
Letterman is ripping into Justin about his new tattoo and says:
Don’t go nuts, because more and more you see the mural, like the Sistine Chapel, you know? It’s too much.
I’m not going for the sixteenth chapel look.
Watch the video below:
Okay, so here’s how I feel about the video:
That’s a shitty font for a tattoo, but it’s Bieber’s choice, and Letterman’s a real cunt for grabbing it like that, because you can see that kind of smile-grimace on JB’s face even after Letterman lets go.
The thing is, I feel bad for child stars, because as much as, yes, everyone should know what the fucking Sistine Chapel is, they don’t live normal lives, and there’s only so much home schooling can do. These kids basically are taught the bare minimum because they have mental schedules and it’s legitimately not like they’re going to need their education when they’re already earning more than most of us could ever dream of.
Now, this is one situation where I think my girl Britney put it best. In her 2003 MTV special In the Zone and Out All Night, she says:
I had this question the other day, I asked a really stupid question, and I know that people are asking, like, silly questions, for the Jessica Simpson thing, she asks silly questions, but if NOBODY EVER TOLD YOU IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE, HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO KNOW? Like, my brother, he’s like ‘well you didn’t know this!’ and he’ll pick on me, and I’m like ‘well, I’m too busy selling fifty million records, okay?’
Okay, maybe she’s not the most eloquent girl ever, but you get her point.
Also, that special is one of my all time favourites, and you can watch it below if you’d like: