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There’s no Gatsby in Jay-Z and Kanye’s new video, and it’s not great.

 

The video for Jay Z and Kanye’s No Church in the Wild has premiered, and I’m about to tell you what I think about it. The video is below if you haven’t seen it yet:

 

The following are my thoughts, as I had them watching the video:

From the very first shot, my first thought was ‘You know what’s going to be more interesting than this video? The trailer for the Great Gatsby. I’ll watch that again after this.’ If that doesn’t make any sense to you, you need to watch the trailer because it really does look fantastic. Yes, I’m biased towards Leo, but the party scene reminds me of the party scene from Romeo + Juliet (which, yes, also has Leo) and that would’ve been enough to get me excited about this film.

I really hate credits in music videos.

…Is that Kanye? … No.

This video would’ve been more interesting if they’d done a Crips and Bloods war. (I’m reading this memoir called A Piece of Cake at the moment and the girl was a Crip when she was 15 and it’s fucked and brutal and you should read it.)

So I guess Kanye and Jay Z aren’t going to be in the video then?

Does this remind me of Run This Town?

That jungle fever line is really good.

Where is this even supposed to be set?

Lasers? Is it set at a Kanye West concert? Are they rioting because he’s taking 400 hours to make it onto the stage?

Why is there an elephant in the city? What is this, Madagascar?

Oh, it’s over. So that was basically four minutes of the same thing.

Essentially, this video is like the cover of The Proposal:

 

The Proposal is my go-to movie when I need to describe a film that you can tell the entire plot of the film from a mere glance at the poster, to the point where you feel as though you may have already seen it. Seriously, if you haven’t seen The Proposal, look at the cover, and it will tell you every single thing that happens in the film. It’s not necessarily a bad thing; I still watched it, it was enjoyable enough. Sometimes you want predictability so you don’t have to think. It’s nice. But still. You get my point.

Basically, from seeing the first frame of this video, the rest of it is just… more of the same. For me, that’s a shame because I think the song’s really good and I think it could’ve been a fantastic video, and instead, it’s just… whatever. Forgettable. I think from now on I’ll pretend that The Great Gatsby trailer is the video for No Church in the Wild.

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Surprise! Blake Lively can’t wait for Gossip Girl to be over.

 

As most teen stars do, Blake Lively has grown tired of teen stardom and wants to move on with her life. This is the part where I’d really like to compare her future to that of Mischa Barton’s, except that as much as I dislike Blake Lively, she’s good in The Town (which if you haven’t seen it is fantastic), and she’s got Hick and Savages coming out and they both look amazing. Bummer for me.

Anyway, this is what she had to say about Gossip Girl coming to an end:

It’ll be bittersweet when it’s over. I think the best way to describe it is like someone who really enjoyed high school, and is like, I’m a senior and I can’t wait for the next thing!

Six years is a long time. And as an actor who plays a caricature of myself on the show, I don’t think I’d say, “watch Gossip Girl for my best quality of work.”

I am very lucky to have had that experience.

This quote is fantastic because it’s so well constructed. She basically says that she’s fucking sick of being Serena, which is fair, because Serena was shit to begin with and if you’re one of the three people left who are still watching then you know she’s fucking lost the plot since then. Then she shits all over the show and admits that she’s not doing her best, and then thanks them for hiring her. LOL.

Anyway, how do you feel about the end of Gossip Girl? Are you excited for Blake’s new projects? Excited to see what the others do?

PCP Poll – Which of Dawson’s divas ruled the Creek?

From Newport Beach to Capeside (which we all know is actually Wilmington), we’ll now pick the hottie of the Creek.We have:

Katie Holmes as Joey:

or Michelle Williams as Jen (now think ‘Jennifer’ the way Grams would say it. That’s what I just did.)

Vote away, ‘coz I DON’T WANNA WAIT for your answers…

PCP Poll – Who’s queen of The OC?

And now, for another edition of PCP Poll, where we’re currently deciding the hottest girl in every teen show so that we can put them all together and decide who the hottest is of all time. Today we’re headed to Cali-fooooorrrrrrrrn-yaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh. Good luck getting that out of your head. So, we have:

Rachel Bilson as Summer:

or Mischa Barton as Marissa:

Amanda Bynes lives her life like she’s playing Grand Theft Auto. Probably without all the hooker deaths.

I’m so thankful to Amanda Bynes for never learning any lessons, because now I’ve got a way to work in this blast from the past into a blog. Amanda’s done it again:

 

She’s been accused of yet another hit and run. From TMZ:

Amanda Bynes slammed into a car on the 101 Freeway in the San Fernando Valley on April 10 … then fled the scene — according to the victim who told cops the troubled actress was the culprit.

The culprit was driving a 5 series BMW at the time of the accident. The victim gave chase, got off the freeway, but the culprit blew a red light, never to be seen again. The victim was able to write down the license plate number.  She only got a profile view of the woman driving the BMW.

CHP showed up, ran the plate and determined it was a rental vehicle.  Officers told the victim the culprit was driving an Enterprise rental car.  The victim then contacted Enterprise, who told her the person who had rented the car was Amanda Bynes.

The victim then showed up at a CHP substation and ID’d Amanda from a photo lineup.  And get this … the photo of Amanda was taken just 4 days earlier — it was her mug shot from a DUI arrest.  Amanda was driving in West Hollywood on April 6 when she clipped a cop car and was immediately popped for DUI.

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ … the case was referred to a filing officer at the L.A. City Attorney’s Office who immediately rejected it because there was no independent witness fingering Amanda as the phantom driver.

So basically she’s off the hook because no one else saw her, but if anything else happens with it I’ll be sure to keep you posted.

Madonna reduced to performing reductive hits like Born This Way.

 

So, y’all remember when Madonna was promoting her album and used the ‘Express Yourself sounds like Born This Way’ debacle to get attention so that people would remember that she’s the fiercest bitch alive? Well, she’s about to embark on her MDNA world tour and guess what she’s performing (in order to get people talking about her tour, so that people will remember she’s the fiercest bitch alive?).

It’s a mashup, of Express Yourself and Born This Way, which ends with She’s Not Me, which is pointed at best and delightfully vicious like a Disney villain at worst.

 

Well played, Madge. You know, I could say that that this doesn’t surprise me at all, and it doesn’t, because Madonna hasn’t had any new tricks up her sleeve for years. But why would she need new tricks when the predictable ones work so well? Hell, my blog and pretty much every other celeb blog out there is talking about it, and we’re all just playing into it. Good on her, I think.

 

Amber Portwood is fucked.

This bitch, I can’t even. I don’t even know where to start.

Okay, well first up, I’ll say that I meant to get this post up hours ago, but if you check out my instagram, you can see that I got a tube shoved in my nose and all the way down my oesophagus this morning, and it’s rather uncomfortable, so I decided to take a nap to avoid the whole thing for a few hours when I got home. That and I was feeling lazy. What are ya gonna do, you know? Excuse the fact that I look feral as fuck in the photo.

Anyway, let’s move on. You’re probably aware of my love for Teen Mom by now, and the original is by far my favourite because I really like Maci, Farrah, Catelynn and Tyler, and their kids. Amber, on the other hand. Well, she’s always been a fucking trainwreck. I watch her scenes with the same kind of feeling I got watching the fourth and fifth seasons of Weeds, when every time Nancy would do anything I’d wonder if she was actually going to induce a stroke in me because I’d get all worked up thinking ‘How?! HOW can you think this is a good idea?!’ Amber does the same shit. When she instigates fights with Gary in front of Leah and then says that he made her punch him and it’s basically all his fault, ugh. She makes me sick.

Until recently, though, I did think she was an infinitely better mother than Jenelle from Teen Mom 2, and no, not because of this massive, fugly tattoo that she got:

But rather, because it seemed to me that she gave a shit what happened to her kid, unlike Jenelle, who quite obviously and unashamedly doesn’t give a rat’s ass what happens to Jace as long as she’s got whatever near-homeless boyfriend she’s seeing by her side and a fat blunt in her hand.

Speaking of the two of them, you can click here to see Amber naked, and click here to see Jenelle before and after her boob job, although you can’t see nips or vag. Gross. Why would you even want to, though, for real.

Let’s get back on track before I talk about how gross I think those two are for the rest of this post.

Amber went and got herself addicted to the opiate based drug Suboxone, which is highly addictive and similar to morphine. Back in December after her drug possession arrest, the judge went easy on her and offered her court ordered rehab so that she could avoid jail time, which is nice, since, ya know, she’s got a little kid who probably wants to have her mother around during her formative years, and all. The terms of the sentence were that if she completed the rehab program that the judge would dismiss the charges, and if not, she faced five years in the slammer. Basically from that moment on she was in and out of jail consistently for failing to do… well, anything. She couldn’t have done less to help herself if she’d tried.

When she got to court the other day, she asked the judge to throw her in prison because she hadn’t stayed clean, and was buying Suboxone off the street. Motherhood be damned, right? She said that she’d always be a ‘bad girl’ and she should just be put in prison. Apparently she thinks she’ll be able to go cold turkey in prison. LOL. While I’ve never been to prison, I feel as though I would probably choose five years with my kid who loves me over five years hard time with a bunch of scenarios that we don’t need to get into right here.

Anyway, to sum up how I feel about this, Amber is fucked, and I feel sorry for Leah because she’s got truly, truly shitty parents and she probably doesn’t have a chance in hell of turning out well.

If you take away her cuecards she’s capable of thinking on her own, and other impressions of the first two days of The Britney Factor.

If you’re a Britney fan, you’re aware that incidents where you hear Britney say anything unscripted have been few and far between since 07, and for me, hearing that Britney was going to head into live TV made me feel the way I imagine parents do on their kid’s first day at school; nervous and like I wanted to protect her from bullies. I know, I’m a ridiculous stan, but there’s millions of us, and I dare you to fight us all. We’re like the ubervamps from Buffy, there’s tons of us and short of Willow’s uber magic, you can’t stop us.

Anyway, Britney turned up looking gorgeous:

This picture is fucked, if I was Britney and someone had given me a photo of myself that said ‘Inside an American tragedy,’ on it I’dve slapped their punk face off. Fuckery. Absolute fuckery.

I love ‘Idon’tknowwhattodowithmyarmsney’.

Let’s move onto her entrance. (This is going to be a long post. Sorry, y’all know what I’m like with my girl.)

Here’s a video of her arriving and entering:

Britney’s parts are at 0:45 and 4:50, if you can’t be bothered watching the whole thing. Or, here’s the whole video summed up in these two gifs:

The judges sat down and got to work:

Two things: 1) You could so easily cut LA and Demi out of that photo and it’d be like they were never there to begin with, like that time Britney kissed Madonna and no one remembered that Christina did, too. 2) Look at Britney all serious about her job as a judge. She looks so cute.

And finally, onto the auditions. You can click here to hear her introducing one of the contestants and generally being a sweetheart.

Diz, from the greatest Britney fan forum on the entire Internet, BritneyBoards.org, was there, and recorded 17 voice clips of her, most of which you can check out here, while the rest of them are over here. And yes, that’s how I spent my Saturday night. Don’t you judge me. Anyway, I don’t have words to explain to you guys how happy I am that she sounds like, well, herself. No awkward man-voice, no loss for words because there are no cue cards nearby. The whole thing’s taken away a lot of my apprehension about this, and now I’m just excited about it.

Of course, when it comes to Britney, it will always be ‘another day, another drama.’ The drama for the first day was that the girl got up to go to the bathroom (as overheard by an audience member) and because she was gone for a little longer than 3 seconds, #Britneywalksoff starting trending on Twitter and rumours began flying that she’d stormed off because some basic bitch sang Hold It Against Me and forgot the lyrics. Anyway, Britney tweeted:

#Britneywalksoff??? LOL was just taking a little break people. I am having the BEST time!!!

And the whole thing was put to rest.

Amongst it all, though, our girl still found time to whip out cuecardney and read a few lines for us with no apologies, and you can watch that here.

Justin Bieber’s Boyfriend, remixed.

 

So by now, I’m sure we all know and love the original, because let’s face it, it’s a kick ass song. But have y’all heard the remix of it, featuring 2Chainz, Mac Miller and Asher Roth? If not, click below, my friends:

 

You know what I love even more than filthy slut pop? Slut pop with filthy raps. Oh, yes. If only these raps included lyrics like Ja Rule’s ‘the one that swing dick like no other’ or ‘you never thought I’d make you smile while I’m smacking your ass and fuckin’ ya all wild,’ just to amp up the sluttiness a little, because that shit cracks me up. Anyway, tell me what you think of the remix!

PCP Poll – The hottest babe in Beverly Hills?

So, as we continue on our search for the hottest babe on a teen show, we’ve passed through Beverly Hills, 90210, a show that when I watch it, I get distracted by the fact that they’re at Sunnydale High. Anyway, if you haven’t voted for the hottest Gossip Girl, you can click here, and you can vote for the Prettiest Little Liar by clicking here. But let’s get to it.

We have Shenae Grimes as Annie:

 

AnnaLynne McCord as Naomi:

 

Jessica Stroup as Silver:

 

And Jessica Lowndes as Adrianna: