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Oh, look, Madonna’s done the song version of Movie: The Movie.

 

So Madge released a lyric video for her new song Girl Gone Wild. It’s right there under this sentence:

 

I got about halfway through before realising that it reminded me of about a hundred other songs, so let’s run through them real quick, yeah?

Let’s start off with the beat, which sounds like a Femme Fatale reject, kind of like a mash-up between Till the World Ends and Big Fat Bass:

 

Moving on to the lyrics. Now, keep in mind that this is just what I think of when I hear this, and not necessarily what anyone else should be hearing similarities to:

The ‘girl gone wild, a good girl gone wild’ part. This one’s pretty obvious:

But delivered in the way that Will.I.am says ‘big fat bass, the big fat bass.’

 

‘Girls they just wanna have some fun’… another obvious one:

Sidenote: I’d be pretty fucking excited if Brit Brit covered this.

 

‘You got me in the zone.’ Well, now. This is like… I don’t even know, but it’s something:

 

‘DJ play my favourite song,’ I have two for this one:

 

‘Turn me on’

(I know, I know, I’m getting carried away.)

 

‘Get fired up’

 

And that pretty much sums it up. Props to whoever decided to rhyme ‘Tanqueray’ with ‘astray,’ though.

I don’t know what else to say about it. It’s a really generic pop song, and for me to be saying it, you know it’s serious, haha. Would it be mean to call it… reductive?

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Jimmy Kimmel just jammed every movie you’ve ever seen together.

Jimmy Kimmel decided to make the greatest movie ever by combining all the different aspects of all other great films ever, and got half of Hollywood to star in the trailer for it:

Thing is, it’s like he’s completely ignoring the fact that this exact formula has already been used to create one of the greatest films of all time.

Yes, obviously I’m talking about Spice World.

I mean, Jimmy Kimmel has only made a trailer, but Spice World is actually a film already, and it incorporates a lot of what Movie: The Movie does. Let’s run through it, yeah?

Now, before we get started, I’ll just say that I watched this a few months ago, and this is just off the top of my head.

Okay. There’s the scene with the bomb on the bus, the bit where they meet the aliens, the bit where their friend has her baby, the photoshoot where they all dress as each other, the boot camp to Never Give Up On The Good Times, the haunted castle, the James Bond figure, the spy who’s trying to bring them down, the ‘escape’ on the boat, and all the concert scenes! And along the way they meet Richard E Grant, Elton John, Meat Loaf, Jennifer Saunders, Jonathan Ross, Hugh Laurie, and Gary Glitter was cut out because of the whole kiddy porn thing.

Basically, what I’m saying is, Spice World probably has everything you’re looking for in a movie and more. GIRL POWER!

 

Michelle Williams and Busy Phillips are the best BFF’s, and other stuff about the Oscars.

Seriously, they’re actually so cute.

Get comfy, ‘coz if you’re reading this, we’re in for a long haul post.

Let’s start with the red carpet.

Sacha Baron Cohen, as The Dictator, stole the show to promote his new movie:

My favourite part is that you can tell that Ryan wants to have a massive diva fit but has to hold back because he’s on live TV. Suck a dick, Ry. That being said, Sacha is probably trying to convince people that his schtick’s not stale after the massive disappointment that was Bruno.

Here are my top five favourite dresses from the carpet, in the order they saved onto my computer:

So Billy opened the show, it was funny, good on him. Then he did the song and dance number, and we have awkward moment of the night, number one. He sings something about how it’s great that Jonah shed all those pounds (and if I’m being honest it looks like he’s gained quite a bit of it back. He split his pants at the BAFTAs the other day.), but if he loses tonight there’s a table of cupcakes out the back. Jonah looked at him like he wanted to rip his face up.

The Oscars spent a great deal of this year’s show trying to convince viewers to… watch movies, I think. I dunno, but it was kind of strange. Lots of tributes to how good movies are. Because apparently if we’re sitting around watching the Oscars, we don’t already know that?

Anyway, they did this montage of awesome films, and it was nice, until they segued from Titanic to Twilight and I had an aneurism. Seriously.

This:

to this:

What. The fuck.

Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Lopez came out to present the costume awards, but Cameron stumbled over her words and they basically acted like the trashy brats we all know they are. It was bizarre, especially when it cut back to them and this was what we saw:

Awkward. Moment. Number two.

You can watch the whole bizarre thing below:

I’m pretty sure Cameron was shitfaced, just sayin’.

So Octavia won Best Supporting for The Help, no big surprises there. Her speech was really sweet.

Emma Stone presented with Ben Stiller and was amazing, and so far there’s no video on youtube for it, but when there is, this is where I’ll put it.

Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis came out and acted like twats for a good hour or so, before telling me that that piece of shit song from The Muppets, written by that dude off Flight of the Conchords, won over the spectacular Real in Rio, from Rio. That is some bulllllllllllshit. They didn’t even have performances this year, so I didn’t even get to hear my jam.

They did, however, have a big Cirque Du Soleil number, again, about how awesome the movies are. It was strange.

Christopher Plummer won Best Supporting Actor and gave a lovely speech.

Woody Allen didn’t turn up to claim his Oscar. Surprise.

Angelina came out to present something and made it all about her leg. Awkward moment number three:

It’s one thing to do that on the red carpet, but she literally strutted out, slammed this pose down, and had this look on her face like ‘Boom. There it is. This is my moment.’ Just present the award and get the fuck off the stage, Ange.

The cast of Bridesmaids came out to present some awards, and it was strange. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel as though The Oscars is not the place for dick jokes. Melissa McCarthy and Rose Byrne continued their Scorcese Drinking Game from the SAG Awards:

And it was funny.

The rest of the show was basically predictable.

Meryl won for The Iron Lady:

Jean Dujardin won for The Artist:

and The Artist won Best Picture:

I’ll add more videos as they get added to YouTube, but for now, here’s the complete list of winners:

CINEMATOGRAPHY

Robert Richardson, Hugo

ART DIRECTION

Dante Ferretti and Francesca Lo Schiavo, Hugo

COSTUME DESIGN

Mark Bridges, The Artist

MAKEUP

Mark Coulier and J. Roy Helland, The Iron Lady

FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM

A Separation (Iran)

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Octavia Spencer, The Help

FILM EDITING

Kirk Baxter and Angus Wall, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

SOUND EDITING

Philip Stockton and Eugene Gearty, Hugo

SOUND MIXING

Tom Fleischman and John Midgley, Hugo

DOCUMENTARY (FEATURE)

TJ Martin, Dan Lindsay and Richard Middlemas, Undefeated

ANIMATED FEATURE FILM

Gore Verbinski, Rango

VISUAL EFFECTS

Rob Legato, Joss Williams, Ben Grossman and Alex Henning, Hugo

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Christopher Plummer, Beginners

ORIGINAL SCORE

Ludovic Bource, The Artist

ORIGINAL SONG

“Man or Muppet” from The Muppets, Music and Lyrics by Bret McKenzie

ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

Alexander Payne and Nat Faxon & Jim Rash, The Descendants

ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris

LIVE ACTION SHORT FILM

The Shore, Terry George and Oorlagh George

DOCUMENTARY SHORT FILM

Saving Face, Daniel Junge and Sharmeen Obaid-Chinoy

ANIMATED SHORT FILM

The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore, William Joyce and Brandon Oldenburg

BEST DIRECTION

The Artist, Michel Hazanavicius

BEST ACTOR

Jean Dujardin, The Artist

BEST ACTRESS

Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady

BEST PICTURE

The Artist, Thomas Langmann, Producer

Check back later!

Jessica Simpson: Fashion Icon? Really?

So, there’s a new reality show starting up, and it features Jessica Simpson as a ‘fashion mentor’. What is going on in this world right now?

So it’s called ‘Fashion Star’, it’s hosted by Elle Macpherson, who I just don’t get the hype around. Never have. Whatever, anyway she hosts it and then there are three ‘fashion mentors’: Nicole Richie, Jessica Simpson, and John Varvatos. Here’s the ad for it:

Now, I love Nicole Richie so I’d watch anything she was in, even if she’s being a ‘fashion mentor’ when we all know that Rachel Zoe basically turned her from this:

into a younger, less weathered version of herself (and I say that with nothing but love for Rachel Zoe because despite the fact that she sounds like the cast of Clueless, I love her).

Aside from that, I actually really like Nicole Richie’s Rachel Zoe inspired vintage-inspired lines.

Jessica Simpson, on the other hand. Now, forgive me if I’ve missed a giant chunk of pop culture history, but I thought everyone stopped taking her seriously about six or seven years ago. Here’s Jessica Simpson’s career according to my memory:

All I hear is ‘down on my knees… I’m gonna love you forever,’ and something about pouring yourself all over her. She’s like sixteen here, and that’s filthy. She’s also got some weird twitches and stuff that she does all through her career. As a sidenote to this, don’t start your pop career with a ballad, my fourteen year old self was like ‘ew, WTF?’

There are some insane close-ups of her face in this video.

‘Nick, get out of the house, I’m filming my music video about how much I love you today, baby!’

John Mayer talks about Jessica Simpson in bed:

Drugs aren’t good for you if you do lots of them, yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me.

Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, ‘I want to quit my life and just fuckin’ snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to fuck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep fucking you.’

And that pretty much brings us up to speed, in my mind. I think at some point I knew she had a line of handbags, but I had no idea she had a ‘fashion empire’. I didn’t even know people still cared about her. That sounds mean, but seriously, the last time I remember her being relevant was right around the time she released that awful Nancy Sinatra cover.

Aaaaanyway, I’ll be watching this show, and I’ll probably love the shit out of it. Stay tuned because it’s OSCAR DAY and you know there’ll be a post about that coming up.

 

Think about how stupid you think Chris Brown is. Triple it. You’re still not close to how dumb he actually is.

I hate Chris Brown. I’ll concede that he’s a fantastic dancer, but other than that, I hate him, in an all-consuming-rage type way. Wanna know what he’s been upto since the repulsive remixes of Turn Up the Music and Birthday Cake leaked? Staying out of trouble.

… I’m totally kidding, Breezy’s way too stupid for that.

So  he’s chillin’ in Miami at the moment, and was outside some club when a girl tried to take his photo. Allegedly, he saw this, and decided to be sane and just walk away from the situation, because he’s a public figure and he signed up for fans who would want pictures of him.

Again, I’m kidding, because that would be the fucking rational thing to do in Breezy’s position, but poor Chris Brown has had a common sense lobotomy at some stage, so this is what he did instead.

Apparently, he snatched the iPhone out of her hand and said:

Bitch, you ain’t going to put that on no website.

Of course, this ensured that the story ended up on every gossip/entertainment site on the entire fucking Internet. In the words of Paris Hilton:

No one is safe in the Twittuhspheeaauhh anymoaaar.

Seriously though, what the fuck is wrong with him? The best part about it is that Breezy, the stupid motherfucker that he is, is still on probation, you know, for that pesky time that he beat the living shit out of Rihanna, so if they find that he did take the girl’s phone, then he could end up in the slammer for 4 years. I’m not going to hold my breath, you probably shouldn’t either, but just think about how nice that would be. A world without Chris Brown is my happy place.

Paris Hilton is the new Wayne G, and if you don’t know who that is you’d best read on, bitches.

 

I swear, you guys, every time I complain that none of my faves are doing anything interesting, it’s like they hear me and do something especially so I can blog about them. Except spoiler alert, at the end of this blog post, Paris Hilton won’t make me feel a little bit sick like Rihanna did. Well, no more than usual, at any rate.

SO! Paris Hilton’s new song/video/single, I guess, hit the web yesterday, and let me be the first/second, thousandth to tell you that it is not good. Not at all. That being said, it’s fucking hilaaaaaarious, and therefore, it’ll probably be my favourite song tomorrow, because entertainment comes way before actual talent in my list of priorities in life. That’s why I’m legitimately fucking excited to hear her collaboration with LMFAO, which you can read all about here.

It’s called Drunk Text, and I’m just going to let you watch as much of it as you can handle before we move on. Of course, all the YouTube links have been taken down, so you probably need to do yourself a favour and

CLICK THIS LINK RIGHT HERE TO WATCH IT RIGHT NOW.

Oh my God.

This is my favourite part:

 

Okay, so first up, let’s address the fact that it’s a cover. A cover of a song that was released last October, by the same dudes, Manufactured Superstars, which may make this the most appropriate collaboration of all time. Or at least since Eminem and Rihanna.

Here’s the original song; it’s pretty much the exact same thing:

 

Okay, so here’s the thing. I actually think Paris did a fantastic job of making it sound exactly like Paris Hilton. That sounds retarded, but what I mean is, if you’ve ever seen a fantastic little reality show called The World According to Paris, which was supposed to be the show where you see the side of Paris that she keeps private, but it turns out there isn’t one, and she’s exactly how you expect her to be/perhaps even more so. But this is exactly how she talks, and this ‘story’ that she’s telling me in the beautiful narrative of this song, I’m not even kidding, is exactly the type of dumbass situation she’s constantly getting herself into throughout the show’s run, which kind of makes it great, if you really think about it.

Also, as a side note to this, you should absolutely watch The World According to Paris, if only for Kathy Hilton (who I’m obsessed with to a point where it’s weird) and Brooke Mueller, who asks in all seriousness whether Paris thinks it’s weird that her sponsor sleeps on the floor next to her bed. All the links look like they’ve disappeared from YouTube, so I can’t show it to you right now, but have a search, because it’s amazing.

Let’s get back on track. Okay, so this is the first thing that I thought of when I heard it:

‘Are you as hot in the bedroom as you are on the dancefloor? Oh, really?’

And in turn, Wayne G made me think of Party Monster:

Basically what I’m saying is that Paris, intentionally or not, has released a song that only reminds me of club kid drug anthems from the 90’s. I get that Party Monster was released in ’03, but it’s set in the 90’s, so you know where I’m at.

That’s all I really have to say about it. Good on her. No matter what Paris does I’ll still like her more than all the Kardashians combined. I don’t know why, I just do. It’s Kathy, Kathy Hilton’s a big part of it.

And to celebrate her new single, let’s take a look back at her last musical outings, shall we?

I’m so excited to hear more from her new album.

Brangelina bother me. Keep reading and I’ll tell you one of the reasons.

It wouldn’t make sense for me to put all the reasons in one post, would it? I gotta spread this shit out in this Great Depression of celebrity scandal. Don’t hate me for saying it,  you guys, but sometimes I just really miss 2007. What an interesting year that was for us all.

No, I didn’t learn a thing about being careful what I wish for. Who knows what’ll happen now that I’ve said that.

Moving on.

So Brangelina. God, they’re just everywhere, aren’t they? In general, I think Ange is a cold, manipulative bitch, but it doesn’t stop me from thinking that she was fantastic in Changeling and Girl, Interrupted. I don’t hate her enough to not want to see the films of hers that interest me. That being said, I don’t like her enough to watch the ones that don’t look interesting to me. I mean, is it just me or are Wanted and Salt the same movie? I mean, if you told me that she was playing the same character in those two and Mr & Mrs Smith I’d be like ‘oh yeah, that makes sense.’ But whatever.

Oh, and that thing she said about not loving Shiloh as much as the adopted kids? What the fuck was that about? I liked her more when she was making out with her brother and wearing Billy Bob’s blood around her neck. Alliteration makes me so happy, I’m smiling right now. Thanks, BB. Anyway, if you don’t remember any of that, here’s the recap:

I think I feel so much more for Madd and Zee because they’re survivors, they came through so much, Shiloh seemed so privileged from the moment she was born. I have less inclination to feel for her…I met my other kids when they were 6 months old, they came with a personality. A newborn really is this…Yes, a blob! But now she’s starting to have a personality…I’m conscious that I have to make sure I don’t ignore her needs, just because I think the others are more vulnerable.

Seriously. What. The fuck.

There you go. Now we’re all caught up.

Brad, well… I used to really like Brad when I was younger and he was with Jen. I liked him in The Mexican, and Ocean’s 11, and in that one episode of Friends he was in. I don’t really have an opinion on him any more. I feel like the fact that every time you see him now he has a miserable expression on his face and kids hanging off every part of his body is punishment enough.

Okay, so the thing that bugs me is how fucking pretentious they are as a couple. Let me preface what I’m about to say by stating that I am absolutely, 100% for gay marriage, and I believe that Brange are too.

However, I think they’re kind of full of shit with this ‘oh, we’re not getting married until gay marriage is legalised because it’s such an important issue to us and always has been, so we’re waiting, even though our kids keep asking us about it. Aren’t we such martyrs?’ thing that they have going on.

Let just take a moment to think about that. They’ve both been married before.

So however much they care about this issue, and as I said, I believe they do, they clearly didn’t feel strongly enough about it back in the day to stop them from already having failed marriages today, which is the way they talk about it now.

It just strikes me as an incredibly self-serving, calculated move that they made. Maybe it’s just me, but it feels like they sat down and went ‘oh fuck, everybody hates us because we’re the product of adultery, what can we do to fix this? I know, let’s jump on board with EVERY SOCIAL ISSUE WE POSSIBLY CAN and be as loud about our support for them as we can be, and then people won’t be able to hate us anymore because it’s not PC to hate the couple that’s doing so, much, good.’

Fuck that. They’re wankers.

On the other hand, good on Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard for also stating that they had no plans to get married until gay marriage is legal:

Yeah, I get a ton of questions about when Dax and I are getting married. I usually blow them off because it’s nobody’s business. To be honest with you — and this is the first time I’ve ever said this to a journalist, but it feels like the perfect time and place — the reason we’re not rushing to get married is because I don’t feel appropriate taking advantage of a right that’s denied to my best friends. That’s why we’ve been so hesitant. Dax and I have talked about it a lot, and this issue is very important to both of us. We’re just standing up for what we believe in. Period.

See, it’s a little more believable when neither of them have been married before. Maybe Brange should take a few pointers and stick to standing up for the rights they they’ve always fought for. The rights to do heroin, cheat on your wife and make out with your brother.

 

Um, Rihanna, Chris Brown already ‘gave it to you in the worst way,’ remember?

Ughhh. I should be careful what I wish for. Just in my last post, I was all ‘none of mah faves are doin’ anything worth writing about! Fucking Kardashians, why are they the only ones who are being interesting?!’ This is not what I was expecting.

Truth be told, I’ve been reading all this ‘RIHANNA’S GETTING BACK WITH CHRIS BROWN OMG OMG OMFG’ rumours for weeks and ignoring them because I straight up don’t want them to be true. Get comfy, because we have a LOT of ground to cover here. Like, a lot.

So let’s just go back to the Grammy’s last week so we can all remind ourselves of why Chris Brown is still the same angry little fuck he’s always been, yeah? Actually, even better, let’s first all remind ourselves of all that time he spent being all ‘Hey guys, I’m heaps sorry, I’ve changed, I ain’t that person no more, I don’t even know how this all happened!’ I’m totally paraphrasing, but you can watch the fakest apology in the history of the world below:

This went on for awhile and he pretty much lay low, until it was time for him to release a new album. He went on Good Morning America to promote it and basically  lost his shit when they asked him questions about Rihanna, when he knew that they were going to, and then threw a chair through a window. I can’t embed it, but if you need a refresher, check it out here.

Oh, and during the interview, he also says that the restraining order is ‘not a big deal to [him].’ Goooooood.

Meanwhile, Rihanna was busy releasing my favourite of all her albums, Rated R. See, the thing that I love about this album, aside from the fact that it’s filthy slut pop with a ‘fuck you I’ma do what I want’ attitude, is the fact that it’s her most personal album. And while she was promoting it, she went on 20/20 and finally talked about that night when Chris Brown beat the living shit out of her.

Now, in case you’re all ‘all of this is so old, surely Chris Brown has grown up by now,’ let’s keep in mind that this was only 3 years ago. It’s really not that long, and Chris Brown is constantly having diva fits all over Twitter because his ‘haters’ won’t forgive him. Every. Single. Time. he does, not once that I’ve heard about has he actually taken responsibility, like he’s incapable of comprehending the fact that the world has a truly valid reason to think that he’s a shitcunt. Seriously. Look at those fucking photos. You can see just by glancing at them that he basically tried to kill her that night, and would have. Just last week, when he won a Grammy, this was his tweet to the people who thought it was horrifying that just three years later, it appears that all is forgiven:

HATE ALL U WANT BECUZ I GOT A GRAMMY. Now! That’s the ultimate FUCK OFF.

The reactions to Chris’ Grammy performance were mixed, to say the least. On the one hand, HelloGiggles wrote this amazing blog, that you should absolutely read right now. On the other hand, however, there are a bunch of dumb sluts who want Chris Brown to beat them up. Guess which side I’m on? Oh, and this is what the morons from the Grammys had to say about Chris Brown being back this year:

We’re glad to have him back. I think people deserve a second chance, you know. If you’ll note, he has not been on the Grammys for the past few years and it may have taken us a while to kind of get over the fact that we were the victim of what happened.

I’m sorry, WHAT’S THAT NOW? You know how sometimes you say stuff in conversations without thinking and then you realise how retarded it sounds and you feel embarrassed and all gross inside every time you think about it, but then you get over it because it’s not like you were publicly speaking and it’s not like it’s on any kind of record? Well, this is. This is the statement that the Grammys went with, about Chris Brown’s return. They were the victims. Don’t you hate it when one of your performers tries to beat another one to death and then you end up losing two of your performers? It’s such a pesky inconvenience. For the Grammys. Not Rihanna.

Ughhh. Give me a minute, I need to calm the fuck down before I keep writing. Don’t worry, we’re getting to the point soon enough. As a side note to that last quote, it’s not like they were at the Brit Awards where it’s kind of inevitable that threats and punches will be thrown. (Robbie Williams and Liam Gallagher, I’m looking at you. Naughty boys.)

Okay. I’m good. Where were we? Okay, so Jason Lipshutz, from Billboard.com, wrote an open letter to Rihanna, which can be read in full here. The highlights are below:

But the news about CB dropping by your “Birthday Cake” remix… damn. Three years and nine days later, it is officially implied that, no matter if you two are “single” or “in a relationship” or “it’s complicated,” a token of forgiveness has been earned by Brown.

And that’s not cool, to a whole lot of people. Look, you could do this one song with Brown and never work with him again, or go record “Watch The Pop Throne” with him. You two could become a couple again and get married in Vegas next week. Maybe you want none of those things, or all of those things; you certainly have the right to do any of those things. In your words, “there’s only one you, so just be that.” Do you, Rihanna!

But, in all honesty… you can’t do you, Rihanna. Not here. Not with Chris Brown. Because like it or not, millions of people are paying attention to you, trying to be as cool as you, attempting to find love in a hopeless place and wondering if it’s okay to walk down the same dark alleyway twice. Young girls look up to people like you to guide them through circumstances too complex for them to tackle on their own, and by granting Chris Brown an iota of tolerance, you implicitly encourage others to consider doing the same. “With great power comes great responsibility” is a schmaltzy sentiment, but it’s fitting here — like it or not, you have a different level of power than most of us schmoes because of your pop superstardom, and a different level of responsibility in your personal life than in your music because of the tabloid-infected culture we live in. It’s a burden that is not fair to you, or anyone in pop culture, but it’s one you have to accept.

Rihanna then tweeted the following:

Chiefin’ while ppl spend hrs on letters…*kanye shrug* #phuckit

And I’m pretty sure I read something about Chris Brown tweeting some other shit about these remix rumours, but honestly, this shit is getting so long that let’s just skip it, yeah? We don’t owe the dude any favours.

So! That brings us to today, when the remixes of Rihanna’s Birthday Cake ft Chris Brown, and Breezy’s Turn Up the Music ft Rihanna were released. This is the part of the blog post where I get kind of lost for words. Okay, so the Turn Up the Music is kind of whatever, her part could’ve been done by whoever and is basically unnecessary.

Click here to download Turn Up the Music ft Rihanna.

The reaction that I had to Rihanna’s Birthday Cake remix was very, very different though.

Let me start out by saying that the album version of Birthday Cake is one of the highlights of Talk That Talk for me, although if you’ve ever seen this blog before you probably could’ve guess that because I harp on and on about my love for filthy slut pop.

This remix, on the other hand, makes me feel a little sick.

I went into it jamming along as usual.

Cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake

And then Chris Brown’s part started with ‘Girl, I wanna fuck you right now,’ and I’m pretty sure I threw up in my mouth a little, and for once it wasn’t because of horrendous stomach problems.

He continues ‘Been a long time, I been missing yo’ body.’

Oh, is this the one, is this the one right here that you’ve been ‘missing’?

So then he goes ‘Ooh, it’s not even her birthday, but I wanna lick the icing off. Give it to her in the worst way.’ And by that time, the whole song was about something very, very different to the slut anthem I was excited about hearing the full version about before I knew it was going to feature Chris Brown.

And then Rihanna comes back in for the ‘I’ma make you my bitch,’ part, to which I’m now all ‘well, it’s probably going to be the other way round, though, isn’t it? He’s going to give it to you in the worst way, it’s going to be just like that other time he did. He’s probably the one who’s going to make you his bitch. Again.’

Then RiRi starts rapping, asking him ‘Remember how you did it?’ and I’m thinking about how he bit her ear and smashed her head into the window, over and over again. Anyway, it goes on and on for more than three times (no Breezy reference intended) the length of the original track, and by the end of it I’m pretty sure I felt a teensy bit traumatised.

I actually don’t even know what to say. I love Rihanna but personally, I think this is fucked.

Anyway, you can download Rihanna’s Birthday Cake remix here.

I can’t even with this.

A Kollection of Kardashian tidbits.

First up, let’s just take a few seconds to laugh at how bad Khloe looks in this photo.

You good? Okay, moving on.

So since none of my girls (Britney, Rihanna, Lindsay, Paris, Nicole etc) ever seem to do anything particularly noteworthy these days, I’m basically stuck with these sluts for the ‘OMG I can’t even’ celebrity moments that, let’s be honest, if you’re here, you crave as much as I do. Lucky for us, they deliver.

So the newest Kim rumour is that her and Kris (the ex, not the mother) stopped having sex immediately after the cameras stopped filming at their wedding. You see why I clarified there, otherwise this story would be way more interesting/would deserve its own post, at least. Anyway, this is all gearing up for the divorce, where all the shocking (read: probably not shocking at all unless you’ve recently suffered a massive head trauma and/or undergone a lobotomy) details will be revealed. Gasp! I’m looking forward to it because I expect things to get ever so ugly.

The other thing that we MUST ABSOLUTELY go over is the fact that Khloe Kardashian may just be one of the stupidest people alive. Like, even dumber than her chipmunk-sounding, whorebag sister Kim.

We all know that the Kardashian’s mother Kris has admitted to being a filthy slut who got a whole bunch of dick on the side of her paycheck marriage to Robert Kardashian. We’ve all heard about Khloe’s paternity drama. The media’s been playing a big game of ‘Who’s Yo’ Daddy’ with Khloe Kardashian, and I am on the side of OJ Simpson, because that is far, far more entertaining than any other possibility.

So… I read this quote from Khloe today:

I actually DNA tested my mom, but now people are saying ‘No, we’re not questioning you’re mom, we’re questioning your father.’ She’s my mom, but yeah, I have no idea who my dad is, I guess?

Um, WHAT? What, the actual, fuck?

I actually can’t even comprehend the stupidity of this statement, to the point where I’m hoping for her sake that it’s a joke because otherwise she is hands down one of the dumbest people to ever be on this earth.

I’m sorry, but was it ever a question that Kris was her mother? Like, surely there would be photos in their albums of Kris being pregnant with all 16,000 of her kids. I don’t understand it. WHY? Why would you need to DNA test your mother? When was anyone, EVER, questioning that Kris was Khloe’s mum? I mean, I get that she looks different from Kourtney and Kim, but she looks similar enough to them to be related in some way, and you would think that by default that would mean that the mother is a whore, not that the father knocked someone else up and then made them give up the baby to be raised by Kris, because that A) doesn’t make sense, and B) would not have stayed quiet for this many years.

The wording of it is my favourite part, though. I love and adore that she had to have it pointed out to her that they’re not questioning who her mum is, but rather, who her father is. Like ‘Khloe, sweetie, we get that you want answers about why you look so very different from all your siblings, but maaaaaaybe you wanna look into who your daddy is. You think that might make more sense?’

Jesus. I can’t even.

 

Things that make me happy: new unreleased Britney snippets.

 

Do you guys remember that time between In The Zone and Blackout when Britney was still that rebellious party girl, as opposed to that girl with really serious mental health problems that were way less fun? Good times.

So during that period, Brit Brit was working on an album called Original Doll, and if you’re a stan, feel free to skip… well basically everything because you probably know as much as I do. But for the less informed, this pretty much sums it up:

So this album never saw the light of day, with the exception of a couple of snippets like the infamous Rebellion and Little Me.

Until today, motherfuckers.

Basically, if you’ve ever wondered what Original Doll was going to sound like before it got shelved forever, you probably wanna click here right now and listen to this. The first one on the page is called Peep Show, apparently, while the second one is the much-hyped Money, Love & Happiness that has had fans speculating what it sounds like since, what, 2004?

Money, Love & Happiness sounds like a cool song, I’d like to hear more of it. The other one I don’t care so much about but I will take any Britney song you throw at me.