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Snoop Dogg is the wisest motherfucker alive.

This photo makes me unbearably happy. You have no idea.

I always thought so, and this video makes me entirely convinced that he may be my soulmate. Surprisingly, it’s not the video for Drop It Like It’s Hot, but you can rest assured I’m not going to let an opportunity to post that slip past me.

Anyway, just watch the video, it needs no introduction:

Boom.

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Jennifer Love Hewitt makes one awkward hooker.

Ah, J. Love. Bless her heart. I love her, I do. Not enough to watch Ghost Whisperer, but come on, we all have our limits.Anyway, J Love’s not sexy. Cute? Sure. Funny? Why not? Probably one of the nicest people in Hollywood? Perhaps, since the only time I ever see her out is when she’s helping feed the homeless and I’ve literally never read a bad word about her. But for a pretty girl with tits as big as hers, she’s just not that sexy.

Since Ghost Whisperer ended, this is what she’s been up to. Filming and preparing for her new show in which she plays a hooker. Watch the promo for it and tell me that’s not some awkward-ass shit.

It won’t let me embed that shit for you, so you’ll have to click here to watch it.

She should just stick to what she does best, romantic comedies or fighting off killers. I’d even be happier if she went off and did based on true story television movies, like my girl Shannen Doherty, or came out with another album.

But for now, it’s walk down memory lane time. Obviously. Surely you get that I’m way into nostalgia by now, right?

And OMG no, you know what she SHOULD do? Release another self-help book.

And if you want to read about what J. Love has to say about dating, and TRUST ME when I say YOU ABSOLUTELY DO, click here, because it’s things like

 “Guys hate to spoon — they prefer to fork, lol!”

And yes. That lol is in the book. I for one will never stop lol’ing.

Demi Moore, “exhausted” from being a “cool mom”.

 

So since the Demi Moore 911 tape was released, which you can listen to here, TMZ has revealed that all the good stuff, that is, the references to whip-its and other specific drugs, were chopped out of the tape before it was released because the LA City Attorney thought that it was an invasion of privacy. Like, sure, release the tape, but leaving in the confirmation of what we’ve all read, that’s just too darn far.

Anyway, they left in that she’d ‘smoked something, not marijuana but like incense’ or whatever. So now the story is that Rumer Willis was there, partying with Demi all night. In the tape you can hear someone ask ‘Ru’ what the address is, and now there are reports that they were smoking something called K2 Spice, which is a synthetic cannabis. I don’t know what part of this story I think is saddest. That Demi Moore’s in rehab, that she’s doing drugs with her daughter, or that Rumer Willis doesn’t have any actual friends to do drugs with.

Actually, I think the saddest part is that no one has made a Demi Moore compilation video set to Whip It yet.

Girlfriend magazine presents: How Embarrassment! with Christina Aguilera.

You’ll probably only get that title if you read Girlfriend magazine when you were younger (or if you still do, the section’s probably still in there). Basically, it’s the section where girls write in and talk about all the embarrassing shit that happens to them, like falling over in front of the boy she likes, or pretending to talk on the phone to look popular and then having it ring. That kind of shit. So that’s that, now let’s move on to the topic at hand, shall we?

Poor Christina, she just can’t catch a break, can she?

Performing At Last at Etta James’ funeral, you can tell Christina is not only emotional but freaking, the fuck, out. This is such a shame, honestly, because she did a pretty fantastic job (even if it was heavy on the vocal acrobatics, in typical Xtina fashion), but who’s going to talk about that when they can talk about the fact that she got her period on stage? It’s literally every girl’s worst nightmare. So here’s Christina’s performance. You can see at the start of the video she’s like ‘Oh, fuuuuuuuuck.’

She held it together way better than Mariah did at MJ’s memorial, although I don’t actually think Mariah did as badly as other people seem to think she did, but it certainly wasn’t up to the standard that people expect from a performer like Mariah. It’s like they forget that she’s also one of the most emotional, and bat-shit nuts celebrities out there (and I mean that in an endearing way, I promise.)

Christina’s not the first celebrity to get their period on stage, though. And no, I’m not talking about the times Fergie has pissed herself, but for good measure, here’s a photo of that:

Hahahaha gross. Poor thing. Don’t do drugs, kids.

But yeah. You know who else got their period on stage one time? Billie Piper. Okay, so there’s actually no proof of this anywhere that I can find online, but I swear on Britney’s life (and that’s a fucking serious promise) that I read this in an issue of Smash Hits magazine back when I was like, eleven. According to Smash Hits, Billie got her period on stage while performing the Thank Abba For The Music collaboration with B*Witched, Tina Cousins, Steps and Cleopatra. She was quoted in the article being like ‘Thank God I was already wearing red, but it was the most embarrassing moment!’ or something. Here’s the performance, but it’s shit quality so you really can’t tell either way.

While we’re at it, we might as well take a cheeky walk down memory lane at these performers best videos, too:

And I honestly don’t think I know any songs by Tina Cousins, so she doesn’t get a spot. And since this post has run off in it’s own direction, that’s as good a place as any to finish.

So I guess everyone’s forgiven Claire Danes, then?

I don’t think there’s anything Hollywood loves more than when a celebrity fucks up and has to make a big comeback. That being said, it’s a pretty rare occurrence that a celebrity fucks up as badly as Claire Danes did back when she was promoting Brokedown Palace.

So Claire Danes won a Golden Globe the other day for Best Actress in a TV Drama this year, an award she also won in 1995 for My So Called Life. But do you guys remember that time she got banned from the Philippines?

For those of you who don’t remember, let’s step back in time to when she said this in an interview with Premiere magazine:

The place just fucking smelled of cockroaches. There’s no sewage system in Manila, and people have nothing there. People with, like, no arms, no legs, no eyes, no teeth. We shot in a real [psychiatric] hospital, so takes would be interrupted by wailing women — like ‘Cut! Screaming person.’ Rats were everywhere.”

I had all these defenses up throughout filming, but in the last week I just started to crumble. I was on the phone to Ben [Lee, remember when they were dating?] at four in the morning and I saw a cockroach on the wall. Then I saw another one crawling toward me, and I just started screaming like a maniac. I was afraid to move. And Ben was like, ‘Just turn on the lights.’ Finally, after half an hour of discussing the situation, I went screaming into the bedroom and turned on every light and ran back panting, ‘I did it, I did it.’ I was so afraid. I was going to have to hotel staff turn the lights on for me, but I braved it. I didn’t sleep the entire night.

This wasn’t even the only time she talked about Manila. She called it a ‘ghastly and weird city,’ in an interview with Vogue.

Consequently, all her movies were banned in the Philippines and she was declared a ‘persona non grata,’ until she publicly apologised for her remarks.

She (read: her publicist) issued the following statement:

Because of the subject matter of our film Brokedown Palace, the cast was exposed to the darker and more impoverished places of Manila. My comments in Premiere magazine only reflect those locations, not my attitude towards the Filipino people. They were nothing but warm, friendly, and supportive.

But they weren’t takin’ any of her shit. Councilor Kim Atienza dismissed the statement as an

 excuse made by Hollywood press officers and not a genuine apology,

adding

We are not hard to appease, but we know if an apology is true or not. We will lift the ban only if we are satisfied.

Aside from that, Bruce Willis, Lisa Kudrow, Denzel Washington, Rose O’Donnell and Oprah all encouraged people not to go see Brokedown Palace, with Oprah adding

I can only hope she chokes on [her acerbic tongue].

You know you’re in deep shit when Oprah publicly hopes you choke on your own tongue, s’all I’m saying.

Anyway, I guess Hollywood has either forgotten or gotten over this grand career mis-step, but lucky for me, I don’t forget anything that I read 12 years ago in an issue of Big Hit magazine.

Brangelina are seriously not that bright.

Brad Pitt’s done some interview for Bild, a German magazine or something, where he’s told everyone that he and Ange protect their children from reading all the bullshit that gets printed about them by blocking their names on Google from their kids’ computers. He said:

On all the kids’ computers we had our names blocked. They can’t Google their mom and dad. I don’t want to make myself dependent on what other people think.

Okay, so in theory that sounds like a good idea. In reality, however, if any one of their many many children looks up any celebrity blog, or looks them up on imdb, or types their names into YouTube or, say, any of the other many search engines like Yahoo or Bing, then what? Or if they go to the supermarket and see Brad and Ange all over every gossip magazine? It’s a good step to take, don’t get me wrong, but to try and block your kids from seeing the shit that gets printed about you? I don’t actually think that it’s possible, and to believe that it is seems incredibly… naive, to say the least.

The Spice Girls might be able to stop hating each other for approximately 5 minutes.

Remember how the Spice Girls reunited back in ’07 and were planning to go on a huge, much-hyped world tour before they realised that they all still hated each other and cancelled that shit?

Well, this time around (HANSON REFERENCE! Yeah, that’s right, my mind goes to Hanson before it does Michael Jackson.) they’re only reuniting for one night, so hopefully they’ll be able to avoid clawing each other’s eyes out for the entirety of their still-very-secret Queen’s Diamond Jubilee performance on June 4th.

Mel B let the plans slip on some Australian TV interview that I certainly haven’t seen. They were asking her about the rumour that the Spice Girls would reunite for the Olympics, and she said:

Ooh, I think the Queen’s Jubilee concert is the event I’d be looking at more closely for that to happen.

And then apparently said backstage:

I am going to be in such strife for saying that. It’s all so totally bloody top-secret still.

So we’ll see how that plays out, but for now, here’s the video for This Time Around, by Hanson.

Zooey Deschanel, supreme bullshitter.

I like New Girl, I do. I think it has a ton of potential, although most of the potential I see it with the guys (who are basically toned-down versions of the guys from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia), not with Zooey’s character. Schmidt’s amazing. But Zooey needs to stop with her bullshit before my head explodes.

Now, I’m aware that the ‘simply adorkable’ posters are not her doing, but they make my skin crawl. But what’s really bugging me (haha, bugs, skin crawling, it’s like a meth joke waiting to happen) is this quote that I read in the Jan 30th Who Magazine, in which she talks about her ‘quirky’ persona:

It has sort of followed me around my whole career–it’s not something I cultivated.

No, I’m sorry, but fuck. that.

Don’t tell me that’s not exactly what you’re going for with every single movie and television choice that you make, and every single red carpet appearance, every photoshoot, every performance as the She of She & Him. Fuck off. That’s a load of shit and we all know it. I’ve literally never seen Zooey play a normal character. Let’s have a look at how she’s not cultivating her quirky persona:

And now for a somewhat tenuous link to a Spice Girls song that I think could possibly relate to this situation we have here:

(‘Lil) Bow Wow banged Kim Kardashian.

This is great. For some reason, Bow Wow was on some radio show the other day, and basically said in not so many words that he fucked Kimmy K. Honestly, I don’t care if this is true or not, but if it is, I assume it went something like this:

You’ll probably need to watch that or be familiar with the lyrics of this song for the rest of this post to make any sense to you.

First up, I hope he made her ‘say it, Bow Wow Wow,’ because you know ‘he got it locked down from the east to the west.’ And then right in the middle he should’ve been like ‘I’m hard to forget. What makes it even worse? I’m just gettin’ started.’

Maybe Snoop Dogg was in the corner of the room while it happened, ”coz [he] wanna smack it up. [They] do it to [her] doggystyle, big bow wow in [her] mouth, Bow Wow.’

Maybe afterwards she invited him over to meet her family, and he was all ‘Yeah that’s me, that got your daughter in a frenzy. Yeah that’s me, that got her arguin’ with her friends.’

Because ‘all the girls around the world, they love how it’s going down.’

The Demi Moore 911 call

This is what I love about the Internet. It allows me to be a total creeper from the privacy of my own home. Oh, you feel like listening to the worst moment of someone’s life? Bam. There it is, for you to listen to. That sounds sarcastic, but I assure you it’s not meant to.

So the Demi Moore 911 call got released, and it’s basically the most frustrating thing ever. The first two minutes are basically the LA City police being completely incompetent, and the callers being shut down and told to ‘pay attention’ while they’re trying to tell the paramedics how to get into the house. They say that she ‘smoked something, not marijuana but something like incense,’ and her friend mentioned that ‘there’s been some stuff going on that we’re all just finding out about now.’ Apart from that, the most disturbing part of the video is how much the emergency guy is a dick.